Management Self Management Reflection Paper

4
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
Self-Management
Self-management happens when we begin to use our awareness of our feelings to manage ourselves. Building on the base of self-awareness, we use that
information to control and manage our emotions. Self-management is the
ability to control our emotions so that they don’t control us. That is the simple
but powerful truth about self-management. We need to use what we know
about our emotions to control and manage those emotions and our behavior.
This includes techniques that help us to regulate our emotions, to identify
and prevent emotional triggers, and to identify and prevent thinking that can
lead to emotional breakdowns.
Why is it important to manage our emotions? The alternative is not
very attractive. Individuals who don’t manage their emotions in the business
world are called rage-aholics and drama queens. They cause others to sigh,
roll their eyes, or even leave the room in fright. It should go without saying
that if you cannot manage yourself you cannot manage others. No one wants
to follow someone who is not in control of themselves. The stereotypical boss
who is valued because they use whatever means necessary to get the results
from their teams is a relic of the past.
I had a caveman manager like that for several years. He was a loose cannon; a rage-aholic who survived only because he achieved results. I worked
for him on a couple of large projects and he had the same modus operandi—
to berate people, run roughshod over them, and intimidate them into performing as he wanted. And it didn’t matter if you were on his team or somehow in the way of his success. He treated everyone the same.
52
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Self-Management
53
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
In fairness to this manager, the stakes were high and it was a high pressure job. We were involved in recovering red projects, that is, projects that
were failing. It was our job to go in and recover the project. The environment was very stressful. That said, the end did not justify the means. There
were other, better ways of achieving the results. The manager simply was
not able to use any other means because he did not have control over his
emotions.
When I worked for this manager years ago, he was valued by the organization for the results he was able to achieve. These days, I don’t think
that organizations tolerate or want that kind of behavior. They want positive
results, of course, but are unwilling to sanction caveman-like methods that
reflect a lack of emotional self-control. PMs and leaders today are expected
to be in control of themselves and their emotions.
We all probably know managers who have reputations for kicking
butt and then taking names. You might recall the controversy over John
Bolton, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. When John Bolton was
identified as a candidate for the ambassadorship, news reports surfaced about
his alleged negative behavior at previous government positions. Mr. Bolton
was called the “quintessential kiss up kick down manager,” which clearly is
not a compliment. Bolton’s nomination was nearly derailed because of that
criticism.
That is not to say that anger doesn’t have a place in business or in project management. Channeled productively, anger can move us and our project
team members better than any other emotion. The key is to have control over
anger, just as we need to control all of our emotions. That is all part of selfmanagement.
Project managers and leaders of all types need to control themselves and
manage their emotions. They cannot afford to let their emotions overtake
them and dictate their behavior or they will find they aren’t leading anyone
for very long.

The Emotional Intelligence Model for
Project Management
In Figure 4-1, we show the emotional intelligence model for project management and the domain of self-management. As shown in the diagram,
self-management includes the single competency of self-control. Selfcontrol is the ability to be in control of our emotions so that they do not
control us.
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
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54
Project Management Begins with Self-Management
Figure 4-1: Emotional Intelligence Framework Showing Self-Management.
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
Self-Awareness Precedes Self-Management
Self-awareness is a necessary predecessor to self-management and self-control
as shown in Figure 4-2. After all, if we don’t know what we are feeling it can
be difficult to do anything about it. Awareness can be a big help when it
comes to managing negative emotions. When we are feeling a negative emotion, we can often disarm or control the impact of that feeling just by being
aware of what it is and why we are feeling it.
For example, if I feel scared before a meeting with an important client,
I can often calm myself simply by naming the feeling and acknowledging the
reasons for it. Once I realize that I am scared, I can do something about it.
Almost anytime I am doing something important, I am going to feel scared.
So when I feel scared, I simply remind myself that this means it is important.
Figure 4-2: Self-Awareness Precedes Self-Management.
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
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Self-Management
55
Meetings make me scared because they are important. Recognizing that I am
scared because the meeting is important is usually enough to calm me and
remind me that my feelings (fear in this case) are serving me.

Self-Control
What Is Self-Control?
Self-control is the ability to remain composed in spite of our emotional state.
This does not mean forcing a smile when we are sad or angry. It does mean
registering sad and angry feelings as well as controlling our reaction to those
feelings. For most PMs, managing the negative feelings is going to be the
biggest priority.
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
Negative Feelings Can Cripple a Team
In a team environment, negative emotions can be crippling, especially when
they stem from the leader. This environment provides plenty of opportunities
to practice self-management. Emotions can run rampant on projects where
the stakes are high for both individuals and organizations.
Projects can be stressful due to the constraints placed on them. Deadlines are usually aggressive if not downright unrealistic. Budgets are often set
without regard to the work required. The scope of work can be unrealistic
or subject to interpretation or negotiation. They often involve doing things
for the first time. Many project managers take the success or failure of the
project as a personal success or failure. These factors can place a lot of pressure on the project manager. PMs need to learn to manage their own stress
and calm others by their example.
All of this can cause negative emotions in the project team and the PM.
Negative emotions can poison the project environment, especially those emanating from the leader. Anger, disappointment, rage, sadness, and fear all
need to be monitored and managed so that they don’t impact the rest of the
team. That doesn’t mean stuffing these emotions, dismissing them, or pretending they don’t exist. It does mean managing those emotions.
There is nothing like the pressure of an intense project to bring out the
best and the worst in us. Any tiny crack in our emotional foundation is
brought to light and often, when exposed to heat and pressure, it will result in
unpleasant side effects. Tough times tend to reveal our true emotional nature.
If we don’t manage our emotions in the project environment, very bad
things can happen. In addition to poisoning the atmosphere of the team, we
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
Results, Amacom, 2007. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/stfranciscollege-ebooks/detail.action?docID=3001865.
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56
Project Management Begins with Self-Management
can get a reputation for being out of control. Others may avoid working with
us and our team. We may have a difficult time retaining the best resources,
and we will tend to attract team members who are comfortable working in
negative environments. Our team members might quietly try to sabotage the
project. Our relationships with stakeholders will suffer.
I have been there myself. Sadly, I have lost control of my emotions on
a project more than once. Sometimes the consequences were no big deal and
the project moved on. Other times, my lack of emotional control hurt me and
my team.
In one particularly painful example, I was managing a large international project. I had a poor relationship with one of the team leads working
for me. The relationship had deteriorated to the point where it was adversarial. There was an ongoing battle of wills about this team lead’s travel to the
client site. It culminated one day when my team lead sent me another travel
request via e-mail. I was incensed and had reached my breaking point. I was
also feeling under pressure due to some criticism from the client about the
project team’s performance. Without thinking about my reaction or waiting
to calm down, I replied to the e-mail in a terse and critical way. The team
member was angry about my response and escalated it to my manager, who
called me to ask, “what gives?” It was embarrassing. Worse, it led to a painful,
formal investigation that dragged on for 2 months.
Of the many mistakes that I made in this situation, the main one was
that I responded inappropriately out of anger. I should have calmed down,
evaluated alternative courses of action, and then chose an appropriate response. I also should have been addressing the underlying relationship breakdown that was the undercurrent for the issue. As it was, I responded too quickly,
using emotions and without thinking. I was not managing myself. The e-mail
response was the single event that I wish I could have taken back.
In this particular situation, the e-mail and the formal investigation
showed that I needed to manage myself better. When the investigation had
run its course, the individual felt he could no longer work for me and left the
project. That turned out to be very helpful to me and to the overall project.
It was something I wish I had addressed sooner and directly.
Self-Control Is for All Emotions
As noted, self-control is critical for negative emotions because they can poison the atmosphere in a team. But we also need to exercise control over our
expression of positive emotions.
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
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Self-Management
57
Consider a situation where you are happy and excited over the achievement of a significant milestone just prior to a meeting with a team member
who is upset about a conflict. Exhibiting your positive emotions would be
inappropriate in this discussion, just as they would be in a situation when
someone has just received bad news such as a death in the family. As the PM,
you may need to dampen your excitement or happiness in situations like this.
There are lots of opportunities for emotional self-control on a long
project. In fact, being on a prolonged project can be like riding an emotional
roller coaster. The longest project I ever managed was three years. During that
time, the team went through a lot of emotions. We reached six major client
milestones and numerous minor milestones. We kicked off new years, new
phases of the engagement, and new initiatives. As a team of nearly 100 people,
we experienced promotions, demotions, firings, resignations, the birth of
babies, marriages, and deaths in our families.
Over the course of that project, it was important that I managed my
emotions. I shared the excitement of reaching important milestones with one
part of the team while sharing sadness over the loss of a key resource in
another part of the team. I also had a team lead who lost his father and his
father-in-law within six months. It was critical that I managed both the highs
and the lows during this time.
The larger the team and the longer the project, the more likely it is that
you will have a wide range of emotions at any one time. As the PM and leader
of the team, you have to be balanced and not go to extremes. This requires a
high degree of emotional self-control.
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
Self-Control Helps Us Avoid Emotional Breakdowns
An emotional breakdown is an involuntary response to an emotional situation. We are “losing it” when we have an emotional breakdown. Road rage is
an extreme form of emotional breakdown. Individuals who experience road
rage become unpredictable and out of control. Unfortunately, we don’t see
a physical sign like the one in Figure 4-3 warning us of impending emotional
breakdowns.
While road rage may be unheard of in a project environment, emotional breakdowns are not. The stress and strain of everyday life can cause
emotional breakdowns. Add to that a challenging project environment and
the likelihood of emotional breakdowns is very high.
In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman uses the term “emotional
hijacking” for these breakdowns. He contends that our emotions are hijacked
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
Results, Amacom, 2007. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/stfranciscollege-ebooks/detail.action?docID=3001865.
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Project Management Begins with Self-Management
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
Figure 4-3: Warning of Emotional Breakdown Ahead.
by our primitive neurological systems. These systems were designed for our
survival. Most of us are familiar with the fight or flight responses. Emotional
hijacking is an involuntary and extreme form of the fight or flight response
mechanism.1
Whether we call it emotional hijacking or emotional breakdown, the
end result is the same; our emotions have been taken over by something else
and we are not in control. Emotional breakdowns are involuntary. We are
reacting to an event without control of our behavior.
I once hired a project leader based on his stated ability not to lose it. I
knew that I felt under pressure on this particular project and I needed someone who would not lose their cool. In the interview, he said that he prided
himself on “staying one degree cooler than everyone else in the room.” That
was critical for us on this particular project and his statement got him the job.
We worked well together for two years and during that time, true to his word,
he was usually one degree cooler than everyone else.
Not everyone is able to stay cooler than everyone else. In fact, many
people experience some sort of emotional breakdown during work. Each person may have one breakdown that is more likely to occur than any other. Here
1
Daniel Goleman. Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. NY: Random House/Bantam Books,
1995.
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
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Self-Management
59
are some examples of emotional breakdowns that you might see in a project
environment:
1. Angry Tirades
Whether at work, in public, or in private, we have all seen someone explode
with anger and blast someone else. We may know individuals who are likely
to explode. Perhaps we even avoid certain people for fear they will blow up
on us.
2. Door Slamming
Not able to take any more, a person leaves the room and slams the door behind them.
3. E-mail Letter Bomb
Our modern office tools make sending an angry e-mail easier than ever. This
is a common way for people to vent anger on a project. Most of us have probably sent something we wish we hadn’t.
4. Withdrawal and Isolation
This is when people pull away, avoid meetings, and perhaps even dodge specific people on the project.
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
5. Holding Grudges and Getting Even
Holding grudges often comes in response to unfavorable decisions being
made, criticism received, or some other perceived slight. This type of breakdown often results in a secret vow to get even. A score may even be kept of
who is winning and who is losing. This breakdown is especially harmful because it may be secret and it can go on for a long time.
6. Criticizing
This breakdown results in criticism intended to hurt another. Unwarranted
criticism often comes from individuals who are feeling insecure, threatened,
or emotionally vulnerable. Criticism is often the response to the hurt we feel.
Criticism may be buried in helpful sounding remarks or it may be out in the
open. Either way, the impact is the same.
7. Sarcasm and Inappropriate Humor
Sarcasm is a red flag for emotional breakdowns as discussed in Chapter 3. Both
sarcasm and inappropriate humor are learned responses to situations where
we don’t want to address the truth directly.
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
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Project Management Begins with Self-Management
8. Playing the Victim
Playing the victim is also one of the red flags for emotional breakdowns that
we discussed in Chapter 3. When someone plays the victim, they act as if they
are powerless and not responsible for their actions. They will blame someone
(or perhaps the entire world) for their situation and their actions. This is disempowering to the individual and unacceptable to the team.
How many of these emotional breakdowns do you experience? Look at
the list and reflect on the last week, month, and year. Have you had more
than one of these? Do you experience all of these or have one or two preferred
breakdowns?
My own common breakdowns include e-mail letter bombs, criticizing,
sarcasm, and inappropriate humor. I have become aware enough to eliminate
many of these responses from my repertoire and I have the grace and peace
of mind to not go down on myself if I have a relapse. I just say, “there I go
again” and try to determine what caused the emotional breakdown.
If you are having trouble identifying your emotional breakdowns, try
getting some input from others. Take the time to ask your peers, team members, or your spouse how they see you. They will be glad you are investing in
yourself and you might be surprised to learn more about yourself from them.
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
Emotional Breakdowns May Be Preceded by
Emotional Triggers
Specific emotional breakdowns may be traced back to emotional triggers. An
emotional trigger is a situation, external stimulus, or activating event that
leaves us vulnerable to emotional breakdown. Triggers are not necessarily the
cause of the breakdown, but they serve as a catalyst, or provide fertile ground
for a breakdown.
One way we can protect ourselves against emotional breakdowns is to
identify the emotional triggers that immediately precede breakdowns. By sensitizing ourselves to what leads to the breakdown, we can break the cycle.
Adele Lynn identified the following ten emotional triggers in her book
The EQ Difference; A Powerful Plan for Putting Emotional Intelligence to Work.
•
•
•
•
•
•
moods and attitudes of others
prethinking or foreshadowing
dwelling
personality
hot words/hot buttons
perceived criticism
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
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Self-Management
61
• physical environment
• illness or physical conditions
• situations2
You may recognize many of these emotional triggers at work in the
project environment.
Moods and Attitudes of Others
Most of us are vulnerable to the moods and attitudes of others. When others
are feeling down or angry, this can have a negative impact on us, leaving us
open to an emotional breakdown.
This has been the case for me due to growing up with an alcoholic father.
In my childhood, I was acutely attuned to the moods of my dad. It was one
of the ways I tried (unsuccessfully) to control my chaotic home environment.
If my dad was in a good mood, I could let up and relax a little. If he wasn’t,
well, then I was on edge and always on the lookout for some kind of trouble.
Do you take your cue on how to feel from how those around you feel?
Do you get bummed out when your boss is angry or sad? Do you ever say,
“Well, I was in a good mood until you called me” or something like that? If
this applies to you, consider taking the following actions to understand and
begin to protect yourself from emotional breakdown:
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1. Who Is It?
Try to evaluate whose moods make you feel the most vulnerable. It could be
your spouse or your parents. Perhaps, like me, you are vulnerable to your boss
or other authority figures. Determine who it is that causes this trigger for you.
2. Why Is It?
If possible, try to understand why you feel vulnerable. Is it because you grew
up with a parent with addiction or boundary issues? Or is it because you want
so much to please your spouse or fear the loss of their love? The cause may
be easy to understand, or it could require some help from a trained therapist.
3. Cut the Cord
Try to desensitize yourself to the moods of others as much as you can. Envision yourself with this key person who is in a bad mood. Practice laughing
2
Adele B. Lynn. EQ Difference; A Powerful Plan for Putting Emotional Intelligence to Work. NY: AMACOM, 2005.
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
Results, Amacom, 2007. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/stfranciscollege-ebooks/detail.action?docID=3001865.
Created from stfranciscollege-ebooks on 2022-02-17 21:12:04.
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Project Management Begins with Self-Management
a little and saying, “Wow, you sure are in a bad mood today” or something
similar.
4. Don’t Take It Personally
Don’t personalize or try to control how the other person feels. They are responsible for their feelings, just as you are responsible for your own. If they
are reacting to something you said or did, let them have their reaction. Don’t
walk on eggshells when you are around them or try to cushion the blow of
what you say.
For some people, just becoming aware of the connection between the
breakdown and the moods of others can be enlightening. It is the first step
toward choosing different, healthier responses.
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
Prethinking or Foreshadowing
Foreshadowing is when we predict negative outcomes or events in the future.
For example, when we experience some critical issue that threatens to delay
our project, we may predict that our client is going to be upset or worse, that
the project will be cancelled.
Some of us, myself included, have a tendency to anticipate the worst.
We may even pride ourselves on being able to see the worst in every future
situation. But in the project environment, this can be both a deadly poison to
the team morale as well as a trigger for emotional breakdown.
Chicken Little was one of those who anticipated negative future events.
Chicken Little interpreted a small piece of evidence (a falling acorn, I think)
to mean that the entire sky was falling. Of course, the sky was not falling and
eventually Chicken Little learned a valuable lesson—learn more about emotional intelligence.
Before you e-mail me about proper risk management for a project, let
me distinguish between unhealthy foreshadowing and proper risk planning.
Project managers need to address risks as well as to have a healthy skepticism
about potential outcomes of tasks and projects. They need to be able to challenge overly optimistic estimates and outcomes and help the team plan for
risks and the unexpected. That is all a part of being a good PM. That is not
the type of negative foreshadowing I am discussing.
Behind foreshadowing is fear, which leads to irrational thoughts. For
me, it became apparent as I worked with a coach that I was predicting negativity in the future. I began to see that I frequently talked as if I was about to
be fired or cut from the project team. I often tied this to some negative vibes
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
Results, Amacom, 2007. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/stfranciscollege-ebooks/detail.action?docID=3001865.
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Self-Management
63
I was picking up or news that I heard. My coach helped me to see that it
was irrational, unhealthy, and could even become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When I lacked self-confidence and acted out of fear, I was short and critical
of others. This in turn reduced productivity and caused others to question
my leadership. Fortunately I was able to break the cycle and avoid being fired.
Here are some steps you can take if you find yourself foreshadowing:
1. Identify the Pattern
The first step is to identify the pattern of negative thinking. First, keep a journal of your negative predictions and track the outcomes. Second, check it out
with your boss. This will only be possible to the extent you have an open relationship with your superior and trust it will not backfire. Third, develop a
trust relationship with a friend or coworker and use them as a sounding board.
Check out your thoughts and negative predictions and ask what they think.
The more objective that other person can be, the better. Someone that works
for you is less likely to be objective than a spouse or a peer.
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
2. Interrupt the Foreshadowing with Logic
Once you see the pattern, try to interrupt it with logic. Be patient; this can
involve some level of internal strife. When my coach began to point out my
negative thinking to me, I resisted. I was vested in seeing the negative and I
wanted to continue as I always had. I was mired in it and it was comfortable.
It took time to recognize that after two and a half years on a stressful project
engagement, I wasn’t on the verge of being fired.
It also helps sometimes to say, “there I go again” when you catch yourself predicting negativity. Laugh aloud and say, “whew, glad that isn’t really
going to happen.”
Breaking a pattern like foreshadowing can be difficult; in particular if
you have done it for as long as you can remember. Remember that change is
possible and with change comes a tremendous payoff.
Dwelling
Dwelling occurs when we become fixated on one particular thought, remark,
event, injury, or outcome. Our minds obsess and that incident becomes the
focus of all our attention. We become stuck. This dramatically impacts our
performance and leaves us vulnerable to emotional breakdown.
Have you ever found yourself dwelling or obsessing over something? If
you have, you know that you cannot perform well as a PM. It reminds me
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
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Project Management Begins with Self-Management
of the behavior of my computer when it is busy doing something else in the
background when I am trying to use it. Even the most simple task can be
slow. The program may say it is “not responding” and will sometimes even
crash. That is probably how you appear to your stakeholders when you are
dwelling and obsessing and they need something from you.
I have fallen prey to dwelling and obsessing on a minor scale. My mind
got stuck on something and then just churned away. It was not enough to prevent me from being effective, but it did keep me awake at night on several
occasions.
I have also had people who worked for me become so obsessed and
stuck on things that they were unable to perform at acceptable levels. In one
particular case, it began to affect his interpretation of events. He began to
misinterpret things that were said, to take every comment as a personal attack,
and to become overwhelmed. No matter what was said, the team member
seemed to hear “you are not good enough.” This was not actually the case and
it caused him to become ineffective.
Let’s hope that you do not suffer from dwelling and obsessing on that
same scale. As a PM, we can easily become obsessed with our performance
and that of our team, as well as on the success of the project. Here are some
ideas for dealing with this behavior if you find yourself falling into that trap
on your project:
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
Become Aware
First, be aware of the behavior and see it for what it is. Sometimes it is enough
to simply acknowledge it in order to break the cycle. If you have a tendency
to dwell and obsess, become alert to signs that you are getting sucked in.
Get Clear
Take action to be clear or to get over it. Whatever the hurt, it probably tracks
back to some injury caused by someone else. What do you need to do or say
that would help you feel OK? This might mean having a difficult conversation
with someone about their behavior. It is amazing how often taking a simple
but courageous step can relieve us from the obsession.
Recharge
If you find yourself dwelling or obsessing, evaluate whether you are getting
enough rest and downtime away from the project. Some time away may help
to keep your emotions in check. Also, invest in hobbies; in particular those
that involve other people. Try also taking regular vacations that are long enough
to allow full relaxation.
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
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Self-Management
65
Break the Link
If a particular person is the root of your obsessions, try to get as far away from
that person as possible. While not as effective as getting clear, it may help to
eliminate the obsessive behavior.
Don’t Try NOT to Think About It
Sometimes, if we are consciously trying not to think about something we find
we cannot stop. Instead, dedicate a specific time to dwell, obsess and worry
about it. Limit this time to something reasonable like ten to twenty minutes
at the end of the day. You might find that having a specific time set aside for
dwelling allows you to get it out of your system and then put your mind back
on what is important.
Relax
Try relaxation techniques such as breathing, prayer, or meditation. These can
often break the cycle.
Tease Yourself
If we take ourselves too seriously we often set up conditions that lead to obsession. Try teasing yourself about how silly you are being. Sometimes you can
acknowledge the behavior and poke a little light-hearted fun at yourself.
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Seek Professional Help
If you are unable to break the cycle on your own, it might be helpful to enlist
the help of a professional. Your mental health and professional performance
is worth whatever it costs to eliminate dwelling and obsessing from your life.
If your mind is dwelling and obsessing, you will not be open and available to work on your project, and you won’t be much of a PM or a leader. Do
what you need to do to remove obsessions; this will also protect you against
emotional breakdowns.
Hot Words and Hot Buttons
The focus of the following section is on triggers that affect many of us: hot
words and hot buttons (see Figure 4-4). A hot word or hot button is a word
or issue that triggers a specific and undesirable behavior in us, leaving us open
to threats.
I recently had a team member whose hot button was failure. He was
acutely attuned to feelings of failure and was on the lookout for that condition.
This stemmed from the fact that he perceived himself as a failure. There
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Project Management Begins with Self-Management
Figure 4-4: Hot Button.
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was no data to support his feelings of failure about himself. Those feelings
came from an internal sense of inadequacy that no amount of striving would
overcome.
Whether it was rational or true, the individual had this sense of failure
about himself. He also projected on me that I was saying he was a failure. I
did not feel this way about the man and valued him as part of the team. However, the words I used triggered him to feel like a failure. When I told him
that I did not believe “the team would succeed” using a particular process, he
heard “you are a failure.” My style of challenging people to perform at a higher
level backfired; all he heard was criticism. It would have been more effective
to congratulate, acknowledge, and give recognition. This very capable team
lead eventually had an emotional breakdown.
Give Yourself a Checkup
Think for a moment about the hot buttons or hot issues that trigger you. Are
there any specific concerns that you tend to react to or that cause you to blow
up? Do you think that others avoid bringing up issues to sidestep an argument
with you?
Here are some things you can do if you want to understand your own
hot buttons.
Get a Second Opinion
One quick way to get more input on your hot words or hot buttons is to
check with someone you trust. There is no substitute for including others
in our analysis and getting honest and accurate insights. More often than not,
when we suffer from issues it is because we are trying to work it out on our
own. As noted before, this input could come from a spouse or significant
other, a trusted co-worker, or a coach or mentor. Ask them if there are issues
that they feel they cannot discuss with you.
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Go Beyond the Hot Button
Once you know you have a hot button, take steps to determine the underlying issue and feelings (e.g., feeling like a failure, lack of self confidence).
What is really going on for you? If you are struggling with self-confidence or
inadequacy, perhaps you need to focus on that issue rather than the actual
hot button or hot word.
As with the other emotional triggers, it may help to laugh at ourselves
when we find that a hot button has set us off. We may also need to seek professional help.
Criticism and Blame
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Criticism and blame can often be triggers for emotional breakdown. In particular this can be the case when the criticism is unwarranted, if we feel we
have not been fairly treated, or if we were not given a chance to explain or
defend ourselves. The criticism doesn’t even have to be real; perceived criticism can also trigger an undesired response from us.
Criticism and feeling blamed have been a problem for me in the past. If
I thought someone else was being critical of me, I would feel deflated and depressed. The criticism hurt because it resonated with what I already felt about
myself. I was my own worst critic. My discussions with others leads me to believe that this is very common and that many people are their own worst critics.
Unfortunately for me, my past response to criticism or blame was to
freak out and to immediately turn around and blame someone else. When
problems occurred, I was often short with people, I lacked tact and empathy,
and I immediately would dig in to figure out exactly who was responsible for
the problem. This led to some ugly confrontations on past projects. This has
been one of my most common emotional breakdowns.
The good news is that over the last few years I have learned to deal with
criticism in healthier ways. Here are some of the ways I now deal with criticism
and blame:
My Own Worst Enemy
With some work I have learned to recognize when I am being my own worst
critic. Only rarely do I find that others are criticizing me; more often it is just
me. If I can eliminate the voice in my head that criticizes my work, I can overcome the feeling of being criticized.
Look Ahead
Anticipate situations where I will feel or be criticized by others. Often, I
know ahead of time when I am vulnerable to feeling criticized. If I do, I can
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Project Management Begins with Self-Management
visualize criticism coming from others and then practice healthy reactions.
One healthy reaction is to calmly turn around and ask the critic what is going on with them or why they feel the need to criticize.
Check It Out
In some situations, we perceive criticism that is actually not criticism. Check
it out to determine first if it is actually criticism and second, if that criticism
is meant for you. Sometimes we may be reacting to comments or feedback
from others that is meant to be helpful and not critical. Instead of personalizing someone’s comments as criticism or blame, check it out. Ask the other
person what they meant by their remark. If you receive true criticism, evaluate what part of that criticism you can use. Discard the rest.
The New Wheaties
When I was a kid, Wheaties was called the breakfast of champions. A former
co-worker taught me that feedback is actually the breakfast of champions. If
we want to be champions, we need to be open to feedback. We may even need
to go so far as to seek it out.
Could Be Just Them
Sometimes we need to be reminded that other people have their own opinions and that doesn’t make them right. Also, many people, myself included,
are not that good at providing constructive feedback. So before we overreact
to some comment from someone else, we need to consider the source. More
often than not, criticism says more about the person who criticizes than the
one receiving the criticism. Sometimes we need to ignore or discount the feedback from others.
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Doesn’t Change Anything
Remember that even if true, criticism and blame do not make you a bad
person.
Set a Mistake Quota
Mistakes are part of being human and we all should expect to make them if
we are growing. If you are not making mistakes, you are not trying hard
enough. You may want to consider setting a quota of mistakes each day or
week. I used to joke with a recent project team that we would strive to make
only new and very creative mistakes. We certainly should not make the same
mistakes, of course, but our focus should be more on success than on not
making mistakes. If your goal is to not make a mistake, you will be too cautious to be effective at anything.
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Self-Management
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Finally, I would like to refer to the words of Theodore Roosevelt and
his view of critics. Though these words of his are often quoted, they are worth
repeating.
“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the
strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done
better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena;
whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives
valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the
great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy
cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high
achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring
greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid
souls who know neither victory or defeat.”
—Theodore Roosevelt
Physical Environment
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Our physical work environment and specific situations can leave us vulnerable to emotional breakdowns. This should not be surprising. Imagine how
you feel when you are in environments that are hot, cold, noisy, cluttered,
filthy, or isolated. If we are not physically comfortable, we may be vulnerable
to an emotional breakdown.
There also may be specific situations that leave us emotionally vulnerable. For example, I feel vulnerable when I am in a large crowd of people. I
also find that the winters in Chicago cause me to feel vulnerable to breakdowns. Chicago in the summer is a tremendous playground. However, in the
winter it is more like Gotham City. The days often seem cold, gray, and so
dreary that they suck the life out of you. It can really make you appreciate the
few sunny days we experience during the winter!
Illness and Fatigue
Illness and fatigue can also leave us vulnerable to an emotional breakdown.
Like our environment, they can leave us feeling less than our best. When we
don’t feel well or are extremely tired, we let down our guard and become vulnerable to emotional breakdowns. An extreme example of this would be individuals experiencing some type of chronic pain. It is hard to show grace and
not react emotionally when you are experiencing chronic pain. In a similar
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Project Management Begins with Self-Management
way, fatigue can leave us vulnerable to a breakdown. I know that if I don’t get
enough sleep and let myself get run down, I risk making emotional mistakes.
Reduce Your Vulnerability to Emotional Triggers
What can we do to reduce our vulnerability to these emotional triggers? Here
are some specific ways to reduce the impact of these triggers.
Know Thyself
The first step is to know yourself. Make it a point to understand what your
specific emotional triggers are.
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Evaluate Your Physical Environment
Are you as comfortable as you can make yourself? What needs to change to
make you comfortable? If you are isolated, what can you do to feel more connected? If you are a work-at-home professional, try staying connected with
Instant Messaging or go to work in a public space, like a Starbucks, rather
than stay at home in isolation. Is your work area continually cold? Get a small
space heater.
Take Care of Yourself and Stay Healthy
If you don’t take care of yourself, it will be hard for you to care for others.
Taking care of yourself includes eating healthy foods, exercising, and getting
enough sleep.
Keep yourself healthy to prevent illness and fatigue. Take basic preventive care to avoid getting sick by washing your hands frequently and avoiding
direct contact with those who are sick. If you do get sick, don’t try to be a
hero. Some people think it is important to come to work even when they are
sick. They mistakenly believe that the team is better off with them there. Unfortunately, illness can spread and cripple an entire team. Set a good example
for everyone else by staying home and getting better. Even if you believe you
are indispensable, the team is better off without you while you recuperate.
Sharpen the Saw
Stephen Covey talks about the importance of sharpening the saw in The
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. In essence he is talking about selfrenewal. This means taking your vacations as well as investing in training and
development. Are you too busy on your project for vacation or training? That
is a common refrain and one that is easily debunked. First of all, no one person is that critical to a project. Second, there will never be a perfect time on
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Self-Management
71
your project to take vacation or go to training. The busier your project, the
more you will benefit from downtime away from it.3
Avoid Long Work Weeks
We all have to stretch once in a while and we all have a different level of stamina. However, if you are working more than forty-five, fifty, or sixty hours
every week, you are likely setting yourself up for fatigue and illness.
Get Support
When feeling sick, tired, or worn out, you need to seek support from others.
This support could be from your manager, a trusted co-worker, friends, a
spouse, or a mentor. Reach out to others and engage them on an emotional
level. Get the help you need to stay on top of your game.
Stinking Thinking Can Cause Emotional Breakdowns
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There is one more type of emotional breakdown and it is caused by the way
we think. As strange as it sounds, we can affect the way we are feeling based
on our thoughts. It is through distorted thinking that we set ourselves up for
an emotional breakdown.
This distorted thinking is also called stinking thinking. We can literally
think ourselves into feeling bad and that can leave us vulnerable to an emotional breakdown. Just when things seem to be going well our mind convinces
us that things are falling apart. It seems that we self-sabotage. Negativity,
despair, and global thinking are the keys themes that I notice. See if you can
relate to any of these or if they are causing emotional breakdowns for you.
1. All or Nothing Thinking
With all or nothing thinking, we see things as a total failure if they fall short
of perfect. We see no good in an imperfect situation.
As an example, consider what happened to me recently on a return trip
from Washington, D.C. to Chicago. My class in D.C. finished early and I
sprinted to the airport with the hopes of getting on an earlier flight. As it
turned out, I was able to leave on a flight that was one hour earlier. However,
I had to give up my first class upgrade and sit in a middle seat in economy
class. I felt a sense of loss and was angry as I flew from Washington to Chicago
in that center seat in economy class.
3
Stephen R. Covey. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. Salt Lake City,
UT: Franklin Covey, 1989.
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When I arrived at home that evening and my wife asked me about the
trip, I said it was awful. Though I did get home earlier than planned, I considered it a bad trip because I did not get everything I wanted. I was unable
to see beyond the fact that I gave up my first-class seat. Beware of all-ornothing thinking. If you find yourself doing this, try to turn it around and
affirm what went right. Try to recognize that things (and people) will never
be perfect.
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2. Always and Never
Another form of stinking thinking is when we see one negative event as a
never-ending series of defeat or failure. The clue to this type of thinking is
when we use words like always and never. This sounds like my daughter when
she says, “we never get to do anything fun.”
Do you use words like always and never? When you and your project
team need to work through a weekend, do you find yourself thinking “we
always have to work on our weekends,” or “I never get any time to myself?”
If someone else gets promoted, do you think “I never get considered for better jobs?” When we use the terms all or never, we are choosing to be a victim
to circumstances and viewing life as beyond our control.
The key to breaking this type of thinking is to be alert to the use of the
words “always” and “never.” Rarely is it true that things are always or never a
certain way. Instead of using always or never, look for and acknowledge the
exceptions. More important, empower yourself by thinking through the ways
that you can create different outcomes for yourself. If you feel like you never
have enough time for yourself or you want a better job, determine what steps
you can take now to have more time or get that better job. Remind yourself
that you have a say in the outcome of your life.
3. Being Negative
Being negative is when we choose to focus only on the disagreeable things
that happen. If we dwell on the negative, that becomes our reality.
I did this recently after teaching a class. In this case there were twentysix students. As I went through the students’ evaluations of the course, there
was one in particular that was harsh. The student felt there were “too many
irrelevant stories” and that I should have “kept the class moving.” While the
other twenty-five evaluations were all very positive, I focused only on the one
negative evaluation.
Another situation was on a large, long-term project I was managing. At
the end of the first year, we solicited feedback from our clients on how we
were doing. There was a mix of positive and constructive feedback. I chose
to focus on one negative statement. The client stated that the delivery of “soft-
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Self-Management
73
ware was often late and of poor quality.” To this day, that is the only piece of
feedback that I remember from the meeting and the client feedback.
In both of these cases, I vividly remember the negative comments and
little if anything else. I chose to focus on the negative only.
We can also be negative by ignoring or discounting the positives. Instead of focusing on the negative, we choose to discount or reject examples
where we did well or were successful. We find a reason for the positive not to
count because it wasn’t good enough or because anyone would have done the
same thing if they were in our shoes. This type of thinking really strips us of
the happiness and satisfaction we should experience.
I sometimes do this to myself by hiding behind my project team. When
there is a success on a project, I say to myself “this was the result of having a
strong team,” or “any PM could have succeeded in this situation.”
Negative thinking and behavior can be so ingrained that you are unable to see it without the help of others. If you are a person who focuses on
the negative, you may not be aware of it. You can start by asking your friends
and family if they see you as a negative person.
Breaking the habit of being negative can be tough. If you do find out
that you are negative, ask others for support. Practice finding the positive in
every situation, in yourself and your performance, and in every other person.
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4. Filling in the Blanks
We fill in the blanks when we interpret things a certain way, usually negatively, without any facts to support our interpretation. We attribute a negative
interpretation to a person or situation without any justification.
For example, consider a situation where you’ve submitted a project
proposal to a client. If the client does not get back to you immediately, you
may jump to the conclusion that they did not like you or your proposal. You
may start to think things like “that was a waste of time, I shouldn’t have spent
my time working on that.” A more accurate interpretation is that you simply
expected the client to respond faster than they actually did.
5. Should Statements
The word “should” is a red flag. It has many negative connotations and where
possible I advise you to strike it from your vocabulary. When someone tells
you that you should do something or should have done something, they are
meddling, controlling, or shaming you. Should is a word that makes the hair
on the back of my neck stand up.
You may direct should statements at yourself with the intent to motivate. You might say something like, “I should have known better than to trust
Jeremy” or “I shouldn’t have told them they could take until Monday on the
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Project Management Begins with Self-Management
deliverable.” Should statements can lead to guilt and frustration. If you use
should on yourself or on others, stop. It is unhealthy.
One way to overcome use of the word should is to use “I want” statements. Instead of saying, “you should turn in your status report by Friday” (or
worse, “you should have turned in your status report last Friday”), say “I want
you to turn in your status report by Friday.” The expression “I want” is a more
direct and clean way of stating your expectations for the desired behavior.
6. Personalization and Blame
Personalization is when we take responsibility for events that are not entirely
within our control. We take personally what could be simply a random event.
We might combine personalization with a should statement and say something
like “I should never have said that to Jonathan; he quit the team because of me.”
Personalization can be tricky for PMs and leaders. Sometimes it is entirely
appropriate to take responsibility for the results or outcomes of the team we are
leading. Sometimes we need to step up and say, “That was my fault.” However, it is not always healthy to take responsibility for everything that happens.
Blame is the opposite of personalization. This is when we are quick to
affix the blame for an event or incident. Blame is when we put the responsibility for ourselves and our situation on others.
A more balanced approach is to think of the principle of co-creation.
We co-create everything that happens to us. We are partly responsible and
others are partly responsible. We will talk more about co-creation in Chapter 6, Relationship Management.
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Identifying Your Own Patterns of Stinking Thinking
The common theme with all stinking thinking is its negative connotation.
We are choosing to be negative instead of positive. This thinking often represents our own fears and dark thoughts.
The first step toward overcoming stinking thinking is to recognize what
you are experiencing. This type of thinking is a habit and perhaps one that
we have had for our whole lives. We need to be able to see and recognize
the habit before we are able to change or eliminate it. As with the other selfmanagement concepts we have talked about, we can use some of the following techniques to overcome distorted thinking:
Journal
Keep a journal of what has occurred, your thoughts, and your feelings. You
can use this to track back and understand how your negative thoughts are
impacting you.
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Self-Management
75
Get Help from a Friend
Get input from a trusted friend, spouse, co-worker, boss, or mentor. Use their
feedback to see where your thinking is distorted.
Seek Professional Help
As noted earlier, you may need to seek professional help if you get stuck and
cannot get to the next level without it.
Good News About Emotional Breakdowns
There is some good news about emotional breakdowns. First, they are predictable. If we can identify the triggers that set us off, we can begin to predict
when we are vulnerable and are likely to experience a breakdown. That predictability is good because it can help us to avoid or reduce the severity of the
breakdown.
Second, breakdowns often escalate slowly. We don’t normally go from a
calm and peaceful state directly into a breakdown. Rather, there is more likely
a series of steps we go through that builds until we are primed for a breakdown. That slow escalation can provide time for us to interrupt the process and
prevent the breakdown. Knowing that breakdowns are predictable and escalate slowly gives us motivation to interrupt the breakdown before it occurs.

Techniques to Improve Our Self-Management
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A Three-Step Process for Self-Management
We have talked about the need for PMs to use self-management and selfcontrol when it comes to emotions. Before we move from a focus on selfmanagement in this chapter to a focus on others in Chapter 5, I would like to
introduce a three-step process that can be used for self-management. This process will help us to improve our self-control and avoid emotional breakdowns.
As we have discussed, emotional breakdowns are often predictable and
escalate slowly. Leveraging our self-awareness, we can take steps to understand the emotions and underlying cause. As shown in Figure 4-5, the threestep process includes identifying the feeling, determining the underlying
cause, and taking action to get clear.
Step 1—Identify the Feeling
The management of emotions starts with awareness of emotions. This awareness might simply be strong anger over a missed deliverable, unease about a
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Project Management Begins with Self-Management
Figure 4-5: Three-Step Process for Managing Our Emotions.
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meeting, or simply a nagging awareness of something that is not quite right.
Whatever our starting point, we need to use the self-awareness techniques to
identify the feeling. Once we are aware of the specific feeling or emotion, we
can start to do something about it.
Step 2—Determine the Underlying Cause
Once aware of our feeling or emotion, we need to trace back and understand
the source or cause of that emotion. In the previous example of the anger over
a missed deliverable, we can trace our anger back to the deliverable. But we need
to look further than the simple act of missing the deliverable. We need to ask
what else is leading to our anger. Are we angry because we don’t tolerate mistakes? Or, are we scared because we should have monitored the progress more
closely or because it will make us look bad as a PM?
In the case of the unease over an important client meeting, we can trace
the cause to the importance of the meeting. We are scared because the meeting is important to us. Our bodies automatically use fear to generate adrenaline that helps us prepare for the meeting and carries us through that stressful
time. So it may be appropriate to feel scared.
Step 3—Take Action to Get Clear
Once we understand the cause of the feeling or emotion, we can take action
to get clear. This is critical. If we take action to get at the cause of the negative feelings, we can establish new ways of thinking and behaving. This doesn’t
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Self-Management
77
necessarily mean we must take radical action. The appropriate action could
be to simply recognize that our reaction was out of line or that our interpretation of the situation caused us unnecessary anger.
The Do-Over
Taking action to get clear could involve a do-over. A do-over is when you repeat the situation but you change your behavior to achieve a different emotional outcome. A do-over may not even involve the other person in the
conflict. It might be more appropriate to scream in your car on the way home
(with the windows up, of course) or punch out your pillow or mattress.
Sometimes we can role-play the event and choose to handle the situation in a more responsible or appropriate way. You might role-play with someone besides the person involved in the conflict, for example, a confidant, peer,
or coach.
How would we get clear in the previous situations? We can get clear
with our anger over the deliverable by meeting with the team resource responsible for delivering. We can explain that we are angry because of their
behavior and then let them know why (it causes the client to lose confidence
or some other reason). We might conclude with what we would want them
to do differently in the future. By telling them we were angry, we are able to
get clear.

Additional Techniques for Self-Control
and Self-Management
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The basic three-step process for self-management is helpful for most situations.
Here are some additional techniques you can use to manage yourself and your
emotions:
1. Reduce Your Stress Level
PMs should be familiar with the need to reduce stress and have at least one
method that they employ. There are a multitude of stress reduction methods
starting with easy things like exercise and self-care all the way through more
radical approaches like getting a new job or leaving an abusive relationship.
Previously discussed techniques include prayer and meditation. My coach is
a big believer in using breathing techniques. The point is that there are a lot
of different ways to reduce stress and I encourage you to experiment until you
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
Results, Amacom, 2007. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/stfranciscollege-ebooks/detail.action?docID=3001865.
Created from stfranciscollege-ebooks on 2022-02-17 21:12:04.
78
Project Management Begins with Self-Management
find one that works for you. On the other hand, if you are one of those people
who thrive on stress and intentionally create it in your life, what I write here
won’t matter much to you anyway.
2. Conduct an Inner Dialog of Self-Parenting
You may find that you benefit by speaking to yourself as if you were parenting a small child. Replace any harsh self-talk with kind and gentle words. Just
don’t do this out loud in front of your project team or they may think you are
losing it.
3. Talk It Out with Someone
Besides having several different mentors and coaches outside work, I have had
the luxury over the last 2 years of having a good friend and member of my
program management team who is always willing to be a sounding board for
my ideas. I have found this invaluable. If you don’t have someone in your professional life whom you can bounce ideas off, find someone. It is a bonus if
you can also ask them to hold you accountable to make changes or follow
through on your commitments.
4. Give Yourself a Time Out
If you find yourself heading toward a breakdown, give yourself a time out.
Leave the building, go to lunch early, quit for the day, or just head out to the
nearest coffee shop for a snack. If you are at home, you can punch a pillow
or hit a bed with a tennis racquet. Some people find exercise helpful.
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
5. Write a Letter or E-Mail You Will Not Send
A technique that Abraham Lincoln reportedly practiced was to write letters
he did not plan to send. The idea is that through expressing your emotions
in writing, you are able to release any emotional charge. This worked well for
Abe when he used paper and pencil but may not work as well today with our
modern office tools. For example, we may type an e-mail that we don’t plan
to send and then actually end up sending it inadvertently. Some organizations
monitor all e-mails, even unsent ones. Other organizations use keystroke logging software to record everything typed at a keyboard including documents,
unsent e-mail, and instant messages.
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
Results, Amacom, 2007. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/stfranciscollege-ebooks/detail.action?docID=3001865.
Created from stfranciscollege-ebooks on 2022-02-17 21:12:04.
Self-Management
79
6. Use Appropriate Humor
There is nothing like laughter to remind us to not take ourselves too seriously.
You can crack a joke, watch a sitcom, read something funny, or find someone amusing to hang out with. Scott Adams is great at skewering PMs in the
Dilbert cartoon; check out his collection online. If you can afford it, add a
really funny person to your project team. Of course they would need to have
an official role and work assigned to them or your project sponsors might not
find it all that funny.
7. Take Care of Yourself
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
As noted in the chapter, we need to take care of ourselves to help prevent emotional breakdowns. This includes taking vacations, getting enough sleep, resting when sick, and getting support from others. Evaluate how you are doing
at self-care and select one or more of these areas to make an investment in
yourself.
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
Results, Amacom, 2007. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/stfranciscollege-ebooks/detail.action?docID=3001865.
Created from stfranciscollege-ebooks on 2022-02-17 21:12:04.
Copyright © 2007. Amacom. All rights reserved.
Mersino, Anthony. Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers : The People Skills You Need to Achieve Outstanding
Results, Amacom, 2007. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/stfranciscollege-ebooks/detail.action?docID=3001865.
Created from stfranciscollege-ebooks on 2022-02-17 21:12:04.

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