HU The Need for Maintaining Real Intimacy & Couples Therapy Discussion

Description In this week’s reading (Chapters 1-4), Schnarch examines the challenges couples face in maintaining real intimacy.  At one point he maintains that couples typically complain that they are not communicating when, in fact, they are “most blatantly communicating”.  What does he mean by this?  How does he describe the way intimacy develops?  Reply: 1. We see through Joan and Bill the example of a couple who thinks they aren’t communicating, but blatantly are; Schnarch says “good communication is often mistaken for your partner perceiving you the way you want to be seen or understood. ‘We don’t communicate’ is code for ‘I refuse to accept that message– send ma different one! How dare you see me [or the issue] that way!” Communication is how we signal to each other what we are feeling and/or wanting. A couple like Bill and Joan who aren’t speaking to each other are still saying volumes with their coldness, anxious reactions when they do talk, and criticisms. What Joan means to say is that her marriage has communication but no intimacy, something we learn she desperately wants with Bill. Schnarch says that intimacy develops through conflict, self-validation, and unilateral disclosure. Differentiation is a major factor in healthy relationships and fostering intimacy; Schnarch says that intimacy is an “I-Thou” experience meaning that involves the inherent awareness that you are separate from your partner, with parts to be shared. Similar to sex, the person with the least desire for intimacy always controls it in the relationship as long as partners are dependent on each other for validation. To achieve the intimacy she craved in her relationship, both Joan and Bill had to confront themselves and truly self-disclose to each other. 2. To my understanding, “blatantly communicating” occurs when couples tell the other what they want for themselves or in the relationship, but the partner doesn’t necessarily always hear what they’re saying. For example, with Bill and Joan, Bill expressly mentioned that he wasn’t ready for marriage. Additionally, Joan was pretty explicit about what she wanted from Bill in terms of sexual intimacy. Schnarch had many ideas for how intimacy develops. From the individual level, Schnarch explained that the person with the least desire for intimacy ultimately controls the intimacy in the relationship, assuming the partners are dependent on validation from one another. On the topic of validation, Schnarch mentioned there are two main types of validation within a relationship: self-validation and other-validation. Self-validation, which Schnarch feels is more important for relationships, is dependent on a person maintaining his/her own sense of identity and self-worth while disclosing information about themselves with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity from their partner. On the other hand, other-validated intimacy occurs when one partner seeks or needs acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure from their partner. In order to develop intimacy, individuals in relationships need to confront themselves, as well as self-disclosure to their partner regarding intimate topics. The response one partner anticipates and receive from the other partner is important for the disclosure. Schnarch also explained three points for keeping intimacy alive: Partners’ levels of differentiation must remain similar When a partner’s importance exceeds the other partner’s level of differentiation, it creates another layer of emotional gridlock Emotional gridlock that’s caused by one partner’s growing importance sets the tone for a shift to self-validated intimacy, as well as enhanced differentiation.